Saudade

The day you delated the news of your transfer,

the tumultuous storm of thoughts turned my mind upside down.

I was certain that the death of our love was near,

but you pledged– we can make it through.

So, despite my insolent mind’s many a doubts, I believed you.

But now with you gone, my days are endless insipid doldrums.

Nobody to quarrel with, nobody to coax & cajole out of tantrums.

Different time zones, different continents.

Temptations you can resist, but what about natural appetence?

This screen is my resting place.

IMs and video calls my distress signals.

With parched lips, penury heart & impatient ears; I wait.

But all you have is work.

I want to, but I won’t confess.

‘It was only a kiss.’ I tell myself.

A moment of doubt, a weakness of flesh.

Nothing more, nothing less.

But…

But what matters the severity, if the crime itself is meaningless?

Does it even matter? Would you even care?

It is only you that I love.

And so rises the pile of my secrets.

Mistakes to repeat, perversions to repent.

Always within reach, yet so far away.

Wanting to touch, fighting for space.

Counting hours, forgetting days.

Only wait, only wait.

I never pretended to be, but aren’t you perfect?

A darling possessed.

An impractical, honourable, workaholic fool.

Always focused, always honest.

If you had time, you’d have told me- ‘We can survive this.’

And I’d have believed you.

For we’ve been doing just that. Surviving.

But tell me dearest, is mere survival enough or does love demands a greater fulfilment of us?

What good does it do to stay tethered to past, when all strings to a meaningful future are cut?

So, here we are dearest, at the end of the road and it’s time that we said our goodbyes.

***

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